Boise is no Portland

This is not some ironic way to get you to overlook Boise, Idaho. To forgo the inevitable gentrification of a Mountain Time gem. No one credible says "Keep Boise Weird". There have never been any dreams here—except those of escape.

Of course the Boise-powers-that-be don't want you to see it this way. In 2002, they approved the Freak Alley Gallery in downtown Boise. The Alley [and that's exactly what it is: an alley and a dirt car lot no larger than a block] has been proclaimed the country's largest outdoor mural gallery. These 'freaks' [who most likely have long left Idaho, or were only traveling through] seem to think they've won. That their graffiti has somehow expressed their Boisean anguish for any hapless tourist to see and think "Wow, there's a lot of artists here" (when in fact the Idabros rule the entire city with no resistance from the freezer-burned-broasted-chicken middle-class). 10 Barrel Brewing, stationed close by, was dumb enough to buy the ploy, which will be enough for a lot of people: "It really is like Portland now!" [these are the people who "Keep Portland Normal", coined the term "foodie", and think Portlandia is "trendy"].

The B-P-T-B don't have their own television show just yet, but they want one. This next fall, the state legislature will be fully funding "I Don't Know Why I Like It Here" [the biggest understatement in television history], to run exclusively on Amazon Prime. Following the campy lifestyles of overzealous skiers [who love 10 Barrel], alcoholic but fun-loving hockey fans ["It's our only sports team!"], suicidal art students [at the Pleasantville, without the color, which is BSU], and perpetually agitated skinheads. Based on the success of the show: new dress codes may be enforced, graffiti will be taught starting in 3rd grade, and eleven new health foods stores will be added to the metropolitan area. Market based analytics suggests they may just pull it off.


If they do, that's the point at which we here in Portland all start saying to aforementioned foodie trash: "Boise's the new Portland". "Didn't you hear? They've got a 10 Barrel!" If that's all it takes, as Portlanders: transplants, unicorns, artists, activists, or not, we owe it to ourselves: if we still enjoy having an affordable roof over our heads.